Carpet Burn
by BleachedMerc
Summary: Losing a loved one hurts. But not as much as learning all their dirty little secrets. Contains: Genga, Jala, Abudin, Phildin, Carmine, Jasmirelda, and Quasimodo. Ends on a magical carpet ride.


Everybody in Agrabah was sad. Though it's a wonder why. Due to poorly planned continuity and that weird French director responsible for Apudin. That's the in-house codename for that story you guys should know as "Taking the Plunge!" Al never managed to get any sort of publicity or recognition. Must have been his fame or something.

Anyway, not really the point. Point is the funeral was closed casket since they had to literally peel him off the ground. Which.. in itself is pretty impressive, since he.. you know.. landed in sand.

Jasmine was there. Carpet was there. Even the short fat guy with the beard showed up. He wasn't in Kingdom Hearts.. but he WAS in Jurassic Park. You know the guy! John Hammond I think he was called! The sultan of Agrabah!

Anyway! Turns out that when this guy ISN'T dooming the free world with genetically engineered dinosaurs he's crying onto Jasmine's pet tiger. Which ALSO didn't make it into the game but DID have a short stint as a mascot on some cereal box. Tony!

Sadly, Tony was in the doghouse currently because when Jasmine broke the news of Aladdin's death, he responded with the only human words he had been properly taught to speak.

"That's GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAATTTT!"

Turns out TONY had a thing for the little princess but because of Arabian law, and US and Federal laws and EVEN Divided States of Mexico laws.. that sort of thing was illegal.

When the German/Ottoman Army currently stationed in Agrabah caught wind of this little fact, they promptly raided the doghouse and shot him. Probably with a howitzer. Now he currently occupied the casket NEXT to Aladdin.

Now Jasmine had twice as much reason to cry, turned out not only was she like.. engaged to Aladdin or something, AND just learned to accept Tony's feelings, but NOW she had just found out that Aladdin MAY have had something for the monkey, Phil/Apu/Abu/Danny DeVito as well. And another Arabian scandal was the LAST thing she needed right now.

But she went ahead and started one anyway. What can I say? Distraught women do crazy things.

Genie showed up late to Al's funeral and when he did, he had brought a date. Some overgrown kangaroo of a woman. They seemed quite drunk and quite smitten.

The sight appalled an already horribly distraught Jasmine and she ran crying to the only friend she had left: Carpet. Carpet patted her on the back and did is best to counsel her, as he was good at this being a muted anthropomorphic carpet limited to hugely animated quiet things like patting, rubbing, pondering and groping. Which he did.

And immediately regretted it. Jasmine would have slapped him but since it was impossible to tell his head from his ass she second guessed herself, broke down and sold him to Leon's Home Furnishings. Which isn't to be confused with Kingdom Hearts Leon, it's actually a Canadian furniture outlet, which.. from Agrabah is quite far away. This just goes to show the extent of distraught widowed Jasmine's anguish. She stormed off in a huff while burly French Canadians... (who.. fun fact: look indistinguishable from the crew of a pirate ship) carried off Carpet in shame chains.

Jasmine, thoroughly pissed off stormed into the nearest bar. Which luckily enough for ALL the male audiences out there as well as SOME of the female audiences (if Hollywood can be believed) was a lesbian bar.

Now if you've been inside a lesbian bar than you know more than I do about what happened next. But since I haven't been in one, on account of being a totes straight narrator who's favorite part in this story was the Carpet fondle, I can only speculate.

And I will.

Jasmine got drunk, Quasimodo introduced her to his friend, Esmeralda, who was also drunk. And the two exchanged phone numbers, as well as other things, including sharing a pitcher of beer, a case of red bull, a couple pixie sticks (not to be confused with pooh sticks, but if they had those they'd probably exchange them too!) and then the evening concluded with something along the lines of:

"You know what my late fiance did that was super romantic?" Jsanime slurred barely being able to pronounce her own name. Though it's unclear who this is exactly since the two newfound lovers exchanged names too.

"What?" Elmerelda belched while downing a beer, resulting in a hilariously stupid awkward sound and facial expression that only a drunk person could find adorable and/or sexy.

"Took me out for a carpet ride." She said expectantly.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll apparently you just don't say that to a drunk lesbian. Because the next thing she knew bar stools had tipped over the rest of this story was rated R for Raunchy.

So while Jasmine was learning first hand how many teeth Esmerelda had, and Carpet was being shipped in a crate to Canada, Genie was heading home with Kanga, though it might be a little early to call that story a happy ending, since Roo was currently looking for Pooh Sticks in a Lesbian Bar while trying to avoid the lusty eyes of Quasimodo. Yup, sounds like this story's in danger of a darker ending after all.

He desperately diverted his gaze while Jasmine found a new (not so magic) carpet to ride on: the lioness-skin rug in the middle of the bar.

He ordered a pooh stick from the bartender. Who... just so happened to be Quasimodo for some reason, and the MOMENT he got it, he fled for the Fellowship of the Pooh.

The End.


End file.
